022407
what a long work week. i think i'm starting to get adjusted with my new position at work. i actually have a lot more responsibilities than i had initially thought i'd have. i don't mind; i like the challenge. i think i'll manage doing this for another eleven weeks—no sweat.

i feel like i've been on an emotional roller coaster ride these last few weeks. i'm done with all that shite. i have a lot of things i want to accomplish, and i refuse to allow these emotions to slow me down any longer. i need to just put all these irrational feelings behind me and move the fuck on.

022207
the only thing that cheered me up last night was listening to the message marie left me on my voicemail.

i think it was the first genuine smile i've cracked in the last four days.

i miss her.

eighty-eight days to go.

022107
first day night at my new position at work, and i already hate it.

all the familiar faces replaced with new ones—i miss everyone like crazy right now. if i hadn't realized before, how much of an impact these people play in helping me get through the day, i do now.

i thought it'd be better for me to start with only four people (eventually, i'm supposed to have seventeen people under me), so i wouldn't be overwhelmed, but it's only served to make the office seem cold and empty.

i keep telling myself that i just need to give it some time to get adjusted.

the only thing that's getting me through all this is knowing that i don't have to do this forever.

eighty-nine days to go.

021807
i.

miss.

her.

021707
marie just called and told me that she's going to be having a boy.

a godson! i can't find the right words to express my level of joy and happiness right now.

021607

"hold a true friend with both of your hands."

- friedrich nietzsche

on tuesday, i'll be starting my new position as a supervisor for the night shift crew, so today was my last day of regular shift work.

as a way of saying goodbye, my co-workers took me out for lunch, and a quick drink afterwards. i had two shots of crown royal—straight. it obviously wasn't enough to get me drunk, but it was apparently enough to get my face reddened up.

when i went back to the office, i could feel everyone's eyes on me.

"mark, are you alright?" rosie asked. "your face is all red!"

"oh, really?" i asked, feigning unawareness.

the only thing i got a little paranoid about was getting in trouble with my superiors, rose and jerry. i mean, what kind of soon-to-be supervisor goes out and consumes alcohol during his lunch break?

jerry, he's the kind of guy, i'd imagine, who wouldn't approve of such acts—last day of work or not. luckily, i didn't really run into him throughout the entire day.

as for rose, she called me over to her cubicle and asked, "are you feeling okay?"

i told her yes; she didn't pursue it any further.

in any case, i had a great time! special thanks to marie for making it all happen!

i'll miss everyone so much—especially marie. i feel like we've gotten really close—especially in the last few weeks. i value her friendship very much, and my biggest fear is that she'll get so used to not being around me that she won't need me in her life anymore...

going without seeing her for the next three months is going to rip my fucking heart apart. i really don't know how i'm going to do this.



love.

021407

"it is perfectly monstrous the way people go about nowadays saying things against one behind one's back that are absolutely and entirely true."

- oscar wilde

in the office today:

kim: ...but you've got a secret admirer, too.
marie: who?
kim (in a suggestive tone): i don't know...
marie: the only secret admirer i've got is mark.

am i that obvious? :)

021407


happy valentine's.

021407
tiger army - cupid's victim

without a warning, it comes flying
and when it strikes, my world changes
all reason left behind
without a warning, it comes flying
and it's too late to resist it
for my fate is sealed

and i know my heart's no longer mine

just like an arrow through my heart
a feeling so strong
a scarlet fever burns my soul
from this moment on

can't shake this fever from my mind
it burns away all that has passed
and draws me to her side
"a direct hit," the cupid smiles
wounded...
i fall into delrium

and i know my heart's no longer mine

just like an arrow through my heart
a feeling so strong
a scarlet fever burns my soul
from this moment on

020907
marie asked me if i could be the godfather to her (still unborn) child today. i was rendered almost completely speechless by the flattering proposal. i would absolutely love to be her child's godfather—it would be a real honor—so i agreed. i did have a few reservations, however.

mainly, i don't know how good of a godfather i would be, considering my lack of experience with children. i keep thinking that maybe she would be better off choosing someone with more competence in taking care of a child.

also, as a godfather, i would have to sponser the child's baptism. protestant christians—such as myself—cannot be godparents to a child who is recieving a catholic baptism. marie apparently comes from both catholic and protestant background, but i wouldn't want to force her to go with a protestant baptism, just to accommodate me and my specific brand of christianity.

also, i haven't been in church in over five years. i still consider myself a christian, sure, but i don't feel right about sponsoring someone's baptism, when i haven't really been an active member of my religion for so long now.

i'll just have to see how this all plays out, i suppose.

i'm going to have a godchild... how exciting is that?

020807
*SIGH*

020507
i ran into my former co-worker, annalisa, on the way home from work. i casually (no, not really) mentioned that i was to start work as a lead in my section (in about two weeks)—a position, which, she once held when she was still in my department. naturally, i was curious to know what the experience was like.

"i hated it," she said.

oh, great, what the fuck did i get myself into?

020507
apparently, i had so much time on my hands that i organized my entire mp3 collection on my ipod—which amounts to just a little more than 3000 tracks—into their own respective genres. of course, i didn't like the pre-set genres, so i organized them into my own specific way i like to categorize music.

here's the breakdown:

alternative	110
anarcho-punk	45
celtic punk	23
crust punk	15
d-beat	18
digital hardcore	2
doo-wop	3
electroclash	5
electronica	11
folk	37
folk punk	9
grunge	70
hard rock	13
hardcore	150
hawaiian	4
hip hop	107
indie	242
industrial	7
math rock	5
mathcore	6
metal	15
oi!	23
pop punk	226
post-grunge	24
post-hardcore	290
post-punk	177
power pop	22
proto-punk	4
psychobilly	76
punk	836
reggae	11
rock	51
rockabilly	88
screamo	11
ska	48
skacore	156
street punk	48
swing	2
trip-hop	18

this is the part you ask, "who cares?"

020307
the internet has been down for the last two days...

and all hell has broken loose. D:

020107
so often i walk into the office, at the absolute last minute i'm supposed to come in, completely drenched in sweat from rushing, that marie finally offered to start calling me every morning to wake me up. i didn't think that she was actually serious until i was woken up this morning by her phone call.

i got a second phone call, fifteen minutes after the first one.

"i just wanted to make sure that you didn't fall back asleep."

so sweet. :)

020107

"i hate it when they tell us how far we came to be, as if our people's history started with slavery."

- immortal technique