063008
it just fucking hit me right now:

i miss noreen...

063008
john called, and we worked out the shit between us. i wasn't about to hold ill-feelings towards someone whom i've been friends with for over thirteen years.

it's just a shame that we've wasted so many days because of this.

063008

"i'm a battle scar-wearing heir apparent. descendant of a long lineage of proletariat and peasant."

- blue scholars

shit, i just found out that the blue scholars are playing a previously unannounced second show at the university of hawaii manoa campus center... which should just be about over by now. blah. :(

063008

"each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."

- anais nin

over three years with the state of hawaii department of taxation—and i loved every fucking second of it.

i'm going to miss everyone—all the beautiful souls who have become my brothers and my sisters, my uncles and my aunties. for the rest of my life, i will treasure all the sweet memories we've shared. thank you, bless you, love you.

i'm trying not to think about it too much, because i know that it'll just get me sad and emotional. i'm sure it'll hit me tomorrow morning when i wake up at 6:15, and realize that i don't have to take that twenty-minute walk to 830 punchbowl street anymore, like i did nearly everyday for the last three years.

i still remember the first time i walked into the office that one day in march 2005—just a nervous fuck on his first day at his new job. who knew then that that place would have such an impact in his life?

062908

"the paradox is that suffering is part of the plan of it all. and suffering stinks. and as a human being, you do what you can to end suffering because of the compassionate nature of your heart. at the same moment, you know that it's perfect. including your wanting to get rid of it."

- ram dass

062908

"you were what you were and are what you are."

- irvine welsh

i haven't seen john since tuesday. i haven't really spoken to him much, either. today, on the phone, for the third time, he asked if i'm mad at him. i didn't want to ruin his visit by bringing drama, but i didn't want to keep pretending that everything's cool, when it's not—so i told him off.

i don't want to be this way. in fact, i've been looking forward to this week ever since he told me that he was coming down to visit. but, right now, i have no desire to see nor talk to him. i think there should be a certain level of mutual respect between friends, and right now, between the two of us, it's severely diminished or non-existant. i don't think either of us are the same people that we were thirteen years ago anymore.

062808
my godson:


<3

062708
thanks to this, lately i've been listening to a lot of the k-pop music that i used to listen to in high school.

no shame, brah.

punk rock is good shit, but sometimes you've got to expand your horizons a little bit and sample new things—country, electronica, hip hop, funk, jazz, reggae, folk, blues, metal, or whatthefuckever.

music is good shit. period.

062708
i don't know what this website is even about anymore...

heatery #6:







062708

"we're all going to die, all of us, what a circus! that alone should make us love each other but it doesn't."

- charles bukowski

my final aloha friday at the department of taxation. :(

with my last day just a single workday away, i've tried to take in as much of what was left as i could—even the little things that might seem insignificant, but under closer observation, yet another thing that makes the department a special part of my life.

the day was great—as it usually is—but there was a feeling of sadness that has become more and more pronounced with each passing day, bringing monday closer. i'm going to miss this place—my second home for nearly four years—so much.

i still haven't squared things up with noreen. and most likely, i won't. if i wanted to, i've had two ideal opportunities to do so—when we ran into each other in the coffee room yesterday and the day before that. but, on both occasions, i walked out of the room, without a word.

if i don't see her on monday, today was probably the last time i'll ever see her. despite what i've told some of my co-workers, i don't plan on visiting the tax department after i leave.

after monday, with her out of my life completely, maybe i'll finally learn to let go.

i think i'm going to miss her a lot, and it hurts too much to even think about it. but it hurts more to know that that feeling probably will not be reciprocated.

062608
heatery #5:



062408
heatery #4:


062408
it's been only two days since john's been down here and already i'm having issues with him.

i don't know why he feels the need to be pompous, pretentious, and condescending. that sort of stuff i expect from enemies, not friends. i spend time with my friends, expecting to have a good time, not feeling like i'm getting treated like a fucking jerkoff. i've had a great day until someone decided to come and take a shit on it. that's just negative energy i don't need.

i'm not going to subjugate myself to that kind of treatment, not anymore.

062308
john's visiting hawaii for a few days, so i met up with him and johnny after work. it's been a while i've seen both of them.

we had dinner together at mccully and then walked around waikiki for a few hours and did some catching-up.

today felt just like the old days that i miss so much.

062208
the 2010 world cup qualifier match between north and south korea ends in yet another goalless draw:

amid an atmosphere of goodwill, south korea and north korea tied 0-0 in a 2010 world cup qualifier sunday. with both teams already through to the final round of qualification, the match had the feeling of a friendly from start to finish. the visitors were given a rousing reception when they appeared for warmups. the respective anthems were played before 55,000 fans in seoul's world cup stadium, including 500 north korean supporters. at the final whistle, fans applauded both sets of players. it was a genial end to a bad-tempered buildup that saw north korean officials repeatedly demand the game be moved to a third country or the southern resort island of jeju. the draw for the final round of asian qualification will be made on june 27 and matches begin in september.

062208
am i crazy or does it seem like we're getting ready to go to war with iran?

062208
i'm trying to memorize this shit...

list of political and economic ideologies in korean, and its romanized equivalents:

anarchism capitalism communism democracy fascism federalism feudalism nationalism republicanism socialism totalitarianism

무정부주의 자본주의 공산주의 민주주의 권위주의 연방주의 봉건주의 민족주의 공화제 사회주의 전체주의

mujungbujuui jabonjuui gongsanjuui minjujuui kwonweejuui yeonbangjuui bonggunjuui minjokjuui gonghwajae sahwaejuui jeonchaejuui

religions:

buddhism catholicism cheondoism christianity confucianism hinduism islam jainism judaism protestantism shintoism taoism

불교 천주교 천도교 기독교 유교 힌두교 이슬람교 자이나교 유대교 개신교 신도 도교

bulgyo cheonjugyo cheondogyo gidokgyo yugyo hindugyo isullamgyo jainagyo yudaegyo gaeshingyo shindo dogyo

062008
just finished watching the entire season of the wire.

SECOND GREATEST SHOW, EVAR. (after the sopranos, of course.)



061908

"you were what you were and are what you are. fuck that regrets bullshit."

- irvine welsh

after a restroom break, i'm on my way back to the office when i see noreen in the distance, walking in my direction, with carole by her side.

this part has become a ritual.

my head is cast downwards as i walk past noreen without a word—it's been this way for the last three months.

"hi, mark," i hear a voice say.

i don't respond immediately, as it takes me a few seconds to determine to whom the voice belongs to. to my disappointment, it was carole's, not noreen, as i probably hoped for.

without looking at either one of them, i let out a "hi," which comes out in almost a pained whisper, which i immediately regret.

i can see noreen looking at me in the corner of my eyes. i look back at her, knowing that—with only seven workdays i have left in this department—it might possibly be the last time i ever see her—and our eyes briefly meet, before i avert my eyes. we walk on by, without a word.

what happened to us?

i knew that what happened would make shit awkward between us, but i never meant for things to get this fucked-up. we were friends. why are we treating each other this way?

we haven't said a single word to each other in over three months. and that kills me.

i keep pondering if i should just swallow my pride, apologize for the way things went down, and make things right between us once again. and considering that i'm leaving at the end of this month, i don't have much time left to do it.

but i don't know if i've the fucking bottle for it.

i don't know if i can leave this place, without fixing what's been broken between us. i'm afraid that leaving with unresolved issues could leave me in regret for a long time. it's been three months, and i would have thought that by now i would have learnt to let go, but, evidently, that's not what has happened.

061408
today, susan and i went down to marie's place to visit our godson, immanuel, whom we haven't seen in nearly two months.































<3

061408

061308


061308

061108


shoooooots.

061008

"choose a job that you like and you will never have to work a day in your life."

- confucius

first off, congratulations to marie—i just found out yesterday that she's hapai again. :)

so, after almost three-and-a-half years of employment, this is my final month with the department of taxation (aka: the best job i've ever fucking had), as i will be transferring to the department of the attorney general. shit's still being worked out, so there's a chance that i might be leaving earlier, but i know with certainty that i won't be with d.o.tax, come next month.

i'm going to miss the job, the people, the building, the office. i'm going to miss estrelle's sing-alongs to some shitty r & b song on the radio on monday fucking mornings. i'm going to miss chris' "okay, gentlemen—and i do use the term loosely—i will see you all tomorrow" and "another day, another dollar." i'm going to miss heinz's long-winded rants. i'm going to miss glenn's playing of that same 311 cd on the stereo, over and over again. i'm going to miss talking shit about the department of labor and industrial relations (booooo!). i'm going to miss jason's jokes, which i almost never get. i'm going to miss pretending that i don't care about noreen anymore, even if i fucking miss her and i still think about her all the time. dot. dot. dot.

who knows, maybe i'll transfer back someday?

060208
some great acoustic covers from youtube:

"aside," the weakerthans:


"history," funeral for a friend:


"juneau," funeral for a friend:


"all at once," the fray:


"my eyes," travis:


"collapse," sparta:


"this is the last time," keane: